Seeking Life Coach With Actual Life Experience

I just finished reading an article about Jillian Michaels. If you don't know who she is, her biggest claim to fame is being the hard core physical trainer on the Biggest Loser television series. She's great at what she does apparently, and she's not too shabby of a business person either, as she's built herself up a tidy little empire around health and wellness with a number of books, blogs, websites, celebrity endorsements, etc. Or at the very least, she's smart enough to surround herself with very smart people who have helped her achieve this status. You go, girl.


The article mentioned that she's now become a life coach. Interesting, I thought. A natural progression for her in this new world of experts for everything and people willing to pay for that expertise.

Then it mentioned that she's in the process of adopting. Her first child. Alone.

Now, I don't have any problem with someone of means adopting a child on their own. This has nothing whatsoever to do with her being single, or her sexuality (she claims to be open to love from either gender). In fact, I applaud her for her decision to experience motherhood and give a child a chance at a better life with someone who can provide. I'm ignoring her references to "go domestic", which she did not do - that I can't stand...children are not products, and to refer to them with that kind of label (either domestic or international) drives me nuts - even though I'm sure she's referring to the adoption process rather than the type of child she's adopting. And I find it interesting that she's got two adoption processes started, in two different countries, to ensure she gets a child in the end...which is a whole other discussion. But again, you go, girl. Make Mommyhood happen.

Which brings us to the thought that spurned me to write. And again, this is not a personal attack on Ms. Michaels. She is one of many in the same category as you'll soon see, and was but a catalyst for the train of thought.

She's 37 years old. Never married. No children. For the most part, she has never had to put anyone or anything on the back burner. She has had the luxury of pursuing her desires in her adult life regardless of the outcomes because she has only had herself to answer to. Is it possible she's been the sole support for an extended family that's not publicized? Absolutely. But even so, her passion and her drive have been relatively unfettered by the most universal of comprismising situations - marriage and/or raising children.

Now don't get all bent out of shape about my referring to marriage and children being comprising situations. No matter how "cool" or supportive, or awe-inspiring your legal or civil union may be, the very concept of sharing anything at all alludes to compromise. You simply can't have it your way all the time. If you do, you're either delusional or you have a very lopsided marriage that won't last. If you share your bed, one night, all the sheets will be taken by someone...someday.

And children - well, if you're a parent, you know what I'm talking about, and if you're not, and you know people who do have children then you know as well. Even the most selfish of parents, from time to time, will put the needs and desires of their children first. Or they split their savings. Or they have to find a babysitter. For the most part, they know their children require more attention and care than a houseplant.

So...all that being said. How does someone, who has never had to compromise, in his or her adult life, become qualified to coach anyone else about Life, other than perhaps, those in the same situation. And why do we, as a public, continue to regale this folks as the ones with all the answers (Oprah, are you listening?). Because we want their lives? Because we want what they have? The noteriety? The pretty things? The flexibility and ability to have breakfast in NY and attend a premiere in LA that night? Quite possibly.

But would these very same people, have all these things, if they had to compromise? If they had to second guess their steps because of the way the outcomes might affect their spouse, their children, the roof over the heads of their families, where their children go to school?

And I'm not just speaking of celebrity.  My husband and I have been working with a consultant regarding our business who is extraordinairly good at what she does.  She's a savvy entrepreneur with a love of life and health who is charismatic and clever.  One question she never adequately answered for me was "how to do you balance your work and your family?"  She always provided nice, avoidance laden answers to that one question.  Her words were shiny and slick and virgin to the concept of having to drop everything to go pick up a child sick at school.  Or being groggy for a meeting because of staying up all night with a child afraid of the dark. She's been married for a bit, and now just had her own child and it will be interesting to see how her style and advice, if at all, changes.  It has to.  And it has to some extent - you can see her using other folks more, leaning on their expertise, giving up the micromanagement function that provided her the impressive success she's achieved.

Further into the Jillian Michaels article she mentions that she doesn't know how anyone would manage this process (the adoption) if they had to do it alone.  She refers to her phalanx of assistants, without whom, she wouldn't be able to make a sound go of it.  I'm sure she needs them - with all the plates she got up in the air it's obviously necessary.  Normal?  To her.  Relatable?  To whom?  Not most of the folks who pay $55 quarterly on her website for her advice.

Are there any extraordinarily visible folks who put themselves in the life coach category who have literally, done it all and more importantly, done it all well?  Or be willing to admit that they've made mistakes, and provide their folly as fodder for improvement?  And for those of the male persuasion, who did not or do not have a long-term spouse whose very presence and attendance to all things familial allowed them to vehemently pursue their goals?  Someone must be out there. 

Find me a life coach who can have a happy, balanced marriage, raise happy, healthy and productive children, AND have a rewarding, fulfilling career, while adequately supporting the needs and path of their spouse - whether it be during or after the major child-rearing years, be phenomenally physcially fit, be spiritually fulfilled and still maintain that happy marriage/family/home/sense-of-self while all the time having been the sole or primary provider of income and/or child support (the attending, not the financial - or perhaps both), who can smile broadly, look me in the eyes, and tell me they are so darn happy and successful that they can tell me what to do to achieve the same based on actualy, personal experience...and I might consider finding room in the budget for that. 

Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Fred Astaire, Where Are You Now?

I think I lead a pretty decent life. And in saying that, I'm referring to the decisions I make every day. I don't have fancy cars, or that inground pool with a spa, or get my hair did every other week - and maybe if I made some different decisions I'd have more means to accomodate those kinds of whims and flights of fancy. But I'm happy with the majority of the choices I make every day.

I'm not an impulsive sort - I do take a moment or two to consider the outcomes, and how they will affect other people - their feelings, their workloads, their lives, etc. And again, maybe if I didn't so much I'd have some different things of my own. And I'm not implying that all those with greater means, necessarily live their lives with any less thoughtfulness. I know it seems that way, but bear with me.

It's just that things aren't as important to me as my big three - being kind, being courteous, and being thoughtful. No church taught me that. No big reference book gave me guidelines. They're just what feel right, and I try to live them every day. There's not a lot of it these days. There hasn't been in years, and you see it less and less. Crabby people and characters are glorified and celebrated, acts of violence and terror are everywhere we turn, adultery and betrayal get the air time.

So sometimes I feel like I need to double up. Though for the most part, it's like spitting into the wind, or digging a hole at the edge of the ocean - at least it feels that way quite often. But I can't give up. I won't give up. I just can't be that person.

Don't get me wrong, I ain't no saint by any means. I don't judge folks and don't hold myself on a pedestal. I've made some lousy choices of words and actions in my life - we all do, but I strive to make them better. Every day. Especially in the presence of children.

I observe many children in our local elementary school - through volunteering at the school, girl and boy scout programs, sport leagues, etc. And each and every opportunity dampens my spirit. For every bright, shining moment, there's three or four dark clouds that roll in. Pouting, hissy fits, sarcasm, rudeness, demands, posturing...seem to have become the norm, rather than the occasional occurance. I've even seen children choose to act that way because they've seen other children act that way, and succeed.

Children are not naturally like this. At least, that's what I choose to believe. They pattern what they see, what they are surrounded with most. As they get older these behaviors become more apparent. The words that they utter, the phrases - are not organic to eight, nine, and ten year-olds. The contstant outright defiance and lack of willingness to cooperate is out of line with what seems to be the natural way of things. The selfishness and impatience have no grounding in source - it's just demonstrated because they can.

But I look around at the adults, including myself. We tend to NOT censor ourselves, or rather we don't do it enough. We may not discuss sex or the torrid encounters of our own youth, but we do gossip, libel, and complain...constantly in front of impressionable children. We tear others down, both celebrity, politicians and commonfolk, often without even knowing why. We are rude to those who serve us; we are impatient with those who don't serve us fast enough; we are cruel to those serve us wrong (though we may not understand the circumstances as to why).

We dress inappropriately - both men and women. We've lost respect for many traditions (when was the last time you saw someone take their ballcap off in a restaurant, or during the national anthem?). We burp and fart flagrantly without excusing ourselves. We have forgotten please and thank you and may I. We often don't even say good bye, much less say hello. We refuse eye contact with strangers. We walk with our heads down and move swiftly by. We ignore our children and suffocate them with supervision at the wrong times. We get drunk in front of them.

Fred Astaire once said, "The hardest job kids have today is to learn good manners without seeing any." That was a long time ago. I can't imagine what he'd have to say today.