This post was written in November of 2019 and has been languishing as a draft until today, July 20, 2020.
Almost my entire adult life has been spent living life on the defense, being on the receiving end of things, navigating the pitfalls as they come. I wasn't always this way, and I don't usually think of myself this way, but it is who I've become. And I don't like it. Not at all.
I'm pretty ashamed of this incarnation - the example I've set for my children. I've let life beat me into submission and what I have to show for it is just what you'd think. While I still have a roof over my head, for the most part, somewhat gainful employment with benefits, hanging by a thread it seems, the insecurity of my situation is almost too much to bear.
I do have incredible kids who have done more than their fair share of missing their childhoods and holding their mother up. I'm also blessed with two parents and two step parents who love me and do what they can for me, but I know how disappointing it is for them, though I know they still hold out hope. And I do have a good number of people out there looking out for me - friends near and far who offer advice, pray for me, and help out in other ways when they can, but who knows for how much longer.
I"ve let life beat me with a big stick and I've just kept coming back for more. The visions that others had for me in my youth are blurred and blacked out. The plans I had for my life - all but scrapped.
Don't get me wrong - it's not like I"m in the street hooking for a fix. By all appearances, life is pretty swell, comparatively. We live far from large, but we still eke out managing to live a decent lifestyle. But as I mentioned, it's hanging on by a thread. A very thin, tenuous thread.
The title of this post has some irony - in fact, what's prompted me to even write this post is a somewhat ironic source. I don't do sports. I'll go to a game if you invite me. I'll enjoy myself. I have a semblance of what's going on - and I can explain most sports to others who don't know them. But I don't seek them out. I've taken my kids to one pro football game in their lives, a few baseball games, even a hockey game or two - for them to have the experience. But I don't watch them, I don't follow them, I don't talk about them, and I don't care a lick about a fantasy version of them, much less about the real versions of them.
But I've been watching a series on a pay-tv channel that's about them. And I'm obsessed with it. Five seasons and now it's over and I will miss it. It may just be the first series I rewatch deliberately - ever. Something about it stirs something in me - inspires me, motivates me, gives me hope.
And so, in honor of the close of that series, I'm scrapping my playbook and calling an audible. Because my playbook, in plain English, sucks. And I have got to make some radical changes if I'm going to thrive. This survival scenario just isn't cutting it anymore.
This time next year I don't want to be in this same headspace. I don't want to be living in such tight constraints. I don't want to be mired in the minutia.
I want to be taking big leaps, and painting with broad, bold, beautiful strokes filled with endless freaking possibilities. I want to call the plays, the shots - take the lead. Run with head down and not let anything stop me.
I want to stop making excuses. I want to stop accepting excuses. I want to live a pro-active life. I want to be in control of my present and my future. I want to be the woman I envisioned being when I was younger. I want to be the person my kids deserve to have as a parent. I want to be the person people say "wow" about - in the best of ways.
I want more and I want it all and I want it now.
