My first born child began Kindergarten today. With delightful anticipation he jumped out of bed shouting, "I LOVE kindergarten!" over and over. He brushed his teeth. He brushed his hair. He tucked in his shirt, had his shoes on the right feet, and was ready to go 20 minutes early. All was off to a great start.
And so his day went on. Easy check in. Set right to work. Figured out the ins and outs and managed to "stay green" all day - which in his school-ese means "I was well-behaved all day". He saw kids he knew from the neighborhood, his playgroup, his pre-school. He remembered to bring his homework home, and couldn't wait to go to bed to start tomorrow.
And all of this on top of it also being his birthday.
Then there was Mommy's version.
Mommy parks in a staff parking lot and staff spot (in my defense, there's no signage of any kind on the lot at all) and gets a gentle reprimand from the Assistant Principal first thing in the morning.
Mommy trips a kid in the breakfast line.
At lunchtime, Mommy almost poisons one of her son's classmates with a chocolate chip cookie. (he has peanut allergies). And then attempts to get the kid to cover it up. And then tries to back pedal out of that suggestion. And then tries to get the cookie back. All of it, as you can imagine, not pretty.
Mommy wears the wrong shoes to pick up her kid. On two counts - first, I didn't realize how long the walk really was, so my shins started to hurt because I would have been more comfortable barefoot. Second, as you wait, you're standing in grass. We live in Florida. Florida grass has innumerable ant hills with ants that bite.
Mommy loses one of the balloons from the bouquet she's bringing her birthday boy by it popping on a saw palmetto plant.
Mommy almost strangles another mommy inadvertantly with balloons while attempting to swipe off the ants from my feet, while knocking another almost over who is holding a freaking puppy.
Mommy has lost about 12 pounds of liquid in sweat while standing in the non-shaded area to wait for her child.
Mommy and child are bowled over a minimum of three times on the walk home by rude bicycle riders who don't understand that Mommies really DON'T have eyes in the backs of their heads and seem to be apparently mute.
Mommy again, almost strangles a bike rider who didn't let us know she was coming, with the balloons.
Mommy hits another ant hill dodging the bevy of bicycle riders that is rivaled only by the Tour de France.
Mommy loses another 9 pounds of water weight on the way home and the shins are killing her. And that stabbing pain-behind-the-eye type headache is beginning to show up. And no, we're not home yet.
Mommy and child get into a fight at a fork in the road. He claims we should go his way because it's his birthday. Mommy says her way because it is shaded, and though a bit longer, has less bicyclists and, again is shaded. Mommy tells child to go his own way and almost makes him cry.
Mommy barely misses a pile of dog crap on the side of the trail while dodging another gaggle of bike riders. She continues on thinking maybe she didn't really miss.
And then it ended. We made it home. Thank god for central air conditioning. And little boys who adore their mommies. No matter how sweaty, cranky, bitchy, or just plain stupid we are.
Now we wait for day two.
